The Adventures of Doctor Azul...


Chapter 1

(by on 02.01.00)
Doctor Azul was new to this "truth" thing. So far, he didn't like it.

Azul was used to lying, all the time. He claimed outrageous things, like "I invented the automobile", purported to have a time machine he built himself, changed his age and birthday daily, etc. Definitely pathological.

Doctor Azul wasn't even really a doctor--not by any credible account--his mail-order diploma included a disclaimer denoting it for entertainment purposes only. Nonetheless, nobody disputed that "Doctor" (he spelled it out) sounded better than his real first name. In order to keep the bad pun quotient low and the suspense high, his real first name will remain undisclosed for the moment.

Anyway, the Doctor was having trouble suddenly adjusting to telling the truth. His situation left him no other option...

(by on 02.01.00)
He looked at the patient lying before him on the operating table. Its complicated to expalin how he ended up in the hospital and in charge of the operation. Pathological lying had often gotten him into stranger places like the time when he found himself giving a lecture of paeleonthology in Harvard.
But now he didnt know whether to tell the truth to the patient in front of him or whether to improvise the operation as best he could. The thing was he wasnt sure that picking up triple by-pass surgery was as easy as all that.

(by on 02.03.00)
The patient was surrounded by a handful of people all dressed in sterile, mint-green scrubs. Behind their masks, they looked at him expectantly.

"Bloody hell. How do I get myself into these things?" Doctor Azul looked up to the observatory window above the operating table. There among a collection of students looking perfectly wet behind the ears in their stiff white lab coats, was a leggy redhead. "Now I remember."

"Doctor, we're ready when you are." One of the nurses said.

"Um... very well then... Let's get started." Grabbing a scalpel from a collection of instruments on a the table he approached the patient.

"This can't be THAT hard." he said to himself as he extended the hand holding the scalpel toward the chest of the patient.

"God in heaven! What's he doing?"

The shout from the patient made Doctor Azul jump a little. However, being a master of the art of lying, he quickly recovered. "Just a little doctor humor to break the ice. Sorry to have startled you."

(by on 02.04.00)
Thinking it might be better that the patient be sleeping rather than awake, he asked the nurse to sedate the patient in order to "chop into the inside thingies."
The nurse looked at him... And went to get the gas mask.
Dr. Azul looked up at the observatory and to the leggy redhead. "Maybe I should have told the truth this time..."
Staring at the redhead... "Hmm..."
The patient was now asleep so he explained to everyone that they must leave the room so he could operate in peace.

(by on 02.07.00)
He was only greeted with the stiff laughter of serious medical practioners. "I didn't think they'd go for that. Now what am I going to do?"

Episodes from Quincy, Trapper John MD and Doogie Houser raced through his brain. Too bad he hadn't made a point to watch E.R. Thursday was his bowling night.

The staff seemed to grow agitated as he toyed with the gleaming instruments designed to poke and prod the inner workings of the human body. After several very uncomfortable minutes, inspiration finally came.

(by user-2ivf7k1.dialup.mindspring.c on 02.08.00)
"Let's use this as a 'learn from mistakes session'. We'll pick a student to perform the operation. Any volunteers?" Hands shot up. "How about you, the red-haired one?"
"You can't be serious?! Think of the malpractice lawsuit we would get," said the other teachers.
"We couldn't get sued," said the Doctor. "He knew full well this was a training hospital." The girl was by his side. Doctor Azul handed her the scalpel, and told her to do it "like the book said." Suddenly, a woman burst into the room!
"Don't let that man operate!" Doctor Azul's heart skipped three beats.

(by on 02.14.00)
"Martha?" he shouted, "What are you doing here?!?!"

It turned out the woman who had entered at such an opportune time was none other than Dr. Martha Purplebottom, world-renowned cardiologist, unparallelled heart surgeon, and part-time stamp collector. It also happened that, for sheer purposes of heightening the already unbearable dramatic tension, Dr. Martha Purplebottom was none other than our hero's ex-wife.

"You know EXACTLY why I'm here, you piece of monkey spittle!" Dr. Azul quivered, having a faint, but by no means exact, notion of why she was here. Was it the unpaid child support? The teenage cheerleaders? The time he accidentally renewed his Victoria's Secret catalogue with her rare 1947 Canadian Sea Otter stamp? For the first time in his life, he was afraid.

(by on 02.14.00)
"And now I've got you," Martha said with a look of impish delight. Dr. Azul slowly backed away from the table, knocking the prep table and it's instruments onto the floor. "My dear," he said clamly with one eyebrow raised, "What exactly do you mean?"
"You know what I 'mean', you ghoul!"
Suddenly, it all made sense. Dr. Azul shamefully recalled that night in Buenos Aires.

(by on 02.19.00)
"No!", he shouted! "Not you! Colleages, this is a communist spy here to take over our counrty!" Dr. Azul remembers her plot to fake being a doctor just as he is to take over the world. Much like Pinky and the Brain, only our friend, the doctor turned against his one time partner after she tried to cheat him out of his fair share. She on the other hand insiste he was the phoney. All eyes turned on Azul as the patient's anesthesia wore off. The patient sat up and looked at her and yelled, "MOM!???"

(by on 02.20.00)
"Yes dear, it's me." replied the leggy redhead. Doctor Azul was now in double jeopardy, as the attractive student he had been planning to seduce was obviously quite a bit older than she looked, and his ex-wife was closing in fast. This situation called for some quick thinking. No, he realized. Better still, this situation called for some quick running.

(by on 03.01.00)
Not only did it call for some quick running, it also called for some speed dialing! As Doctor Azul sped out of the operating theatre, the audience, patient and his one-time wife followed in hot pursuit, whistling hill-billy chasing choons.

He reached for his mobile phone and speed dialed 1. The receiver of his call picked up promptly.

"Bootsy?" shouted Doctor Azul, "I need you to pick me up at the front of the hospital in about 2 mins, preferebly in the Benz". The Doctor was a stylish man...

"Yes Sir" replied Bootsy, "I'll have champagne on ice for you".

"No time for that Bootsy!" shouted the Doctor, "Just get your little ass over here".

As the Doctor came storming out of the hospital, Bootsy pulled up in his most elegant car. Bootsy was the Doctors faithful manservant and part-time rent boy.

"Where do we head sir?" enquired Bootsy calmly, seemingly unoblivious to the crowd outside attempting to shatter the car windscreen with high heel shoes.

"las Vegas Bootsy my good man!" yelled the Doctor "We have a rendezvous with a good friend of mine".

"Sir?" asked Bootsy

"It's a long story Bootsy..." said the doctor, and sat back as they sped away.

(by on 03.03.00)
Doctor Rojo was waiting when the benz arrived in Las Vegas. Azul rolled down the window and gestured to Rojo to get in the back. He told Bootsy to drive them somewhere discrete where he and Rojo could talk. For the whole ride Rojo never said a word. The two "Doctors" got out and Rojo followed Azul into the Hotel. Bootsy was told to wait in the car.

As soon as they were alone Azul shook his head.

"what happened?", inquired Rojo.

"I didnt get them"

"what the hell do you mean you didnt get them! I told you where they were and the whole operation was set up. All you had to do you cut her open and take it out!"

"But Martha showed up".

Suddenly Rojo went pale, "How the heck did she find out about it?"

"I didnt stick around to find out! The question is what do we do now Rojo? If The Pope finds out about this."

They both shuddered at Azul's words. But Rojo had an inkling of an idea. He might just be able to save their bacon.

(by on 03.05.00)
"Martha is becoming a nuisance. We must be rid of her, and I think I know what to do..."

"Alright, as long as it doesn't involve lighting small dogs on fire and shaving them," Dr. Azul said, "I'm all for it."

"Damn, how did you know what I was thinking?"

Just then Bootsy rushed in.

"Dr. Azul, Dr. Rojo! Come quick, something's happening!"

(by on 03.15.00)
"Good god! It's a Mongol Hoarde!" cried Dr. Azul, cowering behind Rojo.

"Worse! It's the Vatican!" shout Rojo over a deafening thunder of quoted scripture.

Azul signaled to Bootsy "Quick! get the car, we've gotta get out of here!"

(by on 03.18.00)
The three men ran toward the Limo as fast as they could. Only a few hundred meters to go...

The chanting became louder, sounding in unison of the marching of several hundred Roman Catholics, all looking rather angry.

"It's too late, the Pope has found out about the project!", Dr. Azul shouted, "We're doomed!"

And doomed they were.

For standing in front of them was Martha, holding up the keys to the Limo.

"You looking for these, protestant scum?"

"Bootsy, why didn't you grab the keys when you came to warn us?" Dr. Azul screamed.

"I was going to, but this nice lady said she needed them to give us are complimentary carpet shampooing. I thought it was just good service..."

"You haven't won yet Martha!", Rojo responded, "Our plan has already come into action! Killing us now would do you no good!"

"Yes, but it would sure be satisfying." Martha gloated.

"She has a point."

"Why did you do it Azul?," Martha asked, "Why start a holy war over such a trivial matter?"

"Trivial? Hardly. Do you realize what this project could mean for the world?"

The thundering of the Catholic Horde was getting louder.

"You may have the Pope Martha, but we are not alone. You shall soon fear the power of..."

(by on 03.31.00)
"...the Anti-Pope!" spoke Azul, his voice echoing through the neon lit streets of Las Vegas.

The crowd gasped, gawked at the Pope's army for a couple of seconds and promptly went back to spending their money recklessly and throwing their panties at the street performing Elvis impersonator.

"Yes, that patient was the only person in the world to have a canister of the Pope's genes (some hair clippings from his last hair cut). Those, mixed with a fine powder made of 666 AOL disks and properly incubated inside of Microsoft's marketing department will create the Anti-Pope!" The crowd proceeded to gasp again.

"Oh crap!" said Martha.

"Yes, Martha" cackled Rojo "you have brought the Pope straight to us."

"As we speak my manservant is stealing skin flakes off of the Pope's giant hat." said Azul.

"He is?" said Martha, turning around.

Bootsy, the manservant, snuck up behind her and whacked her with a baseball bat, knocking her unconscious. Rojo snatched the keys from her limp hand.

"You should've known better than to trust me! My god, weren't you married to me for 2 years??! Then again, you don't find the brightest wives in Southeast Asian whore houses..."

They all got in the limo just as the Pope's army spotted them. "To the lab!" yelled Rojo and the limo peeled off the pavement.

(by on 04.04.00)
Tthe limo's tyres screamed away throwing dirt and grit into the face of the semi-conscious Martha.
"After them idoits" screamed martha while trying to spit out the dirt elegantly.
The Popes army ran after the limo, but to no avail.
"stuff this for a job" I think Iam going to open that florest Im always talking about, beats chasing after the good guys! Lets go down the pub, I'll by you all a pint".
As the Popes army enter the local tarvern `The Knig arms' (all good pubs are named after parts of royality) Rojo was testing the samples in the lab.

(by on 04.24.00)
And Azule walked in and said " I am GAY">

(by on 04.26.00)
But remember ye Snoots! Azul was a chronic liar, most likely this was a diversion.

"Halt, bequeath thy weapons to me and become transformed into mine apostles!"

As the Pope's army heard this they began to believe Azul was their savior, but he was a liar of course.

"This hath gone to far. I wast following yonder leggy redhead. Thee must stop, it ist thine mission."

Everyone calmed down and began to drink purple kool-aid and eat hoho's. Nobody stood near Azul, for he said he was gay. But the leggy redhead wondered if it was another lie.

She bagan, "Doth thee be truly...

(by on 05.02.00)

"Nein. Ich fahre den Intercity. Mhuhahahahaha!", Azul replied auf Deutsch.


"See my head? My head eats things", Azul ranted.

Just then the Pope's army shot him.

"He wast crazy, thou must come back to the Vatican with me mine leggy redhead." the Pope said.

"Ew!", Just then she poured purple kool-aid on Azul, "You are healed brave liar!"

At this point it was much to weird. So the story ends. Bye.

(by on 05.11.00)
But wait! That's not all! For only $19.95 + S/H you can purchase the entire "Adventures of Dr. Azul" epic and a twelve pouch pack of purple kool-aid.

Now we continue on to the story.

Azul snapped out of his dream. He was at the operating table again. Oh yes, the leggy redhead, that was why he was here.


(by on 05.13.00)
"Huh?", your patient asks.

"Put him back under nurse. Scalpel?", Azul correctly questions.

Thank God for those 3535 hours Azul spent watching "ER". The patient escaped with a minimal amount of stub.

"Doctor? Can I talk to you a minute?", leggy redhead asks.

"Sure, sit down here leggy redhead."


"Excuse me leggy?", Azul states positively, absolutly, incredibly, moronically.

"Sara. My name is Sara."

"Oh yes, Sara. That was your son, correct?"

(by on 05.18.00)
"NO!" she said with great vengence and furious andger," And you will know my name it the lord when I lay my hands apon thee!" Then, there was silence.

After the 40 days and 40 nights Moses came out of his ark and highjacted the pope. Then road off with his Hullet Packered 10a duel fuel comonograph holy inject turbine rocket engine. WITH, Anti - Sin Turbo Drive. Moses told the pope that being Gay was a Good thing and that he should go help Azul in his Homosexual state.

The Pope hesitated, for if he helped Azul all would know that the Pope was Gay aswell. Then a the voice of god spoke from a cloud. And it said" Pope Big John, you must help Azul. For if you don't I shall lash out with a furrious anger, and you will know my name is the lord when I lay my hand apon thee."

(by on 06.01.00)
Just then the good Doctor snapped out of the feverish dream he had been having and turned his gaze once again to the man on the operating table.

"Triple bypass...huh?"

A nurse look at him incredulously. Why did everyone make it so hard? The Doctor then opened up the patient (who was, thankfully, out cold) only to find in place of flesh, bone, blood, and other things that make people squeemish,......

(by 1cust201.tnt6.hackensack.nj.da.u on 07.04.00)
Azul had seen pictures of things like this, but none of them had truly prepared him for the mass of quivering, red jello flesh that now lay before him. He was sorry he had eaten that rare steak for lunch as it now lurched up in his throat. Since throwing up into the patient would have been just plain bad form and would surely have given him up for the fraud he was, he tried to think of something else.

As sweat poured down his face, he glanced up into the gallery and caught the eye of the leggy redhead. He had done a lot of things in his life to impress women, this much was true, but this was probably beyond the pale.

The Leggy one smiled at him seductively. Forgetting himself for the moment, he raised his rubber gloved hand, the one brandishing the scalpel, and cast her a wave of acknowlegement. This gesture brought many a look of consternation from the operating room staff.

"Excuse me, Azul", the anesthesiologist interrupted, "but this patient's vital signs are slipping fast. If you don't do something other than flirt with members of the fairer sex soon, we'll surely lose him!"

(by 1cust157.tnt5.hackensack.nj.da.u on 07.09.00)
Azul was sweating like an ice sculpture in the Mojave. His mind raced. What to do? How was he going to get out of this one?

Azul placed the scalpel down into the open wound and with great adroitness, nicked the tip of his rubber glove.

"Oops!" he yelled! "I must leave the field before I contaminate the patient! Call my esteemed colleague, Dr. Rojo to take over!"

Azul raced from the OR, his heart pounding. He had narrowly escaped sure disaster.

The leggy redhead made her way out of the gallery in search of her hero...

(by on 12.05.00)
...and found him in the pre-OR ripping his gloves off and washing his hands in the basin.
Glancing his way, she said, "Why did you blow my cover?!"
Azul looked at the redhead questionningly.
"You know Rojo means red... I was wearing this fake wig to signal you! Now the whole plan is nuked!"
Trying to go over the events of last night through his mind, Azul tried to speak, but stuttered uncontrollably and his eyes almost rolled into the back of his head. "Wh-wh-what ha-ha-happened last ni-ni-night..."
"Oh did I scare you? You thought I was a man? No Doctor, the faithful friend you've known for years has always been a woman. A real woman..." Rojo began explaining the differences between men and women rather intimately. "You've no need to fear having done something that scares you last night."

As they are talking, all the doors to the pre-OR clang shut violently and all the locks snap into place. A deep voice rumbles over the announcement intercom: Now we have you both right where we want you!

Rojo quickly recognizing the voice, rips off her female student disguise and is wearing a chainmail body suit with very small rings. She says quite forcefully to Azul, "This way, now." Leading Azul to a locker in the pre-OR and taking out a remote key lock and clicking the button "beep-beep." The locker opens up to reveal a dark passageway.

Azul and Rojo enter the pitch black passageway, Rojo's chainmail making faint brushing noises.

(by on 01.20.01)
The air is dank and musty, and you can hear the steady "plonk plonk plonk" of falling water. In the distance you see...
"Where are the chips?"
"They're in the cubbord to your right." the distance you see...
"Where's the soda?"
"In the fridge"
"Can I have a soda?"
"Yes, They're in the fridge." see a mystyous fog.
"I wanna cast a spell."
"Where are the Cheetos(TM)?"
"In the cabinet by the chips."
"I wanna cast a spell!"
"What spell do you want to cast?"
"Where are the Cheetos?"
"I wanna cast 'Magic missile'."
"In the cabinet!"
"I wanna cast 'Magic Missile'!"

(by on 02.06.01)
"...Doctor...Doctor, are you all right?"
Azul realized that he had been dreaming again as he looked at the dying patient. He really had gotten himself into a mess this time. "If I get out of this terrible situation," he thought, "I will never tell another lie again."
As he thought these words, the patient on the table came out of his anesthesia and said irritably, "You haven't done anything yet, have you?"
"Not yet," replied Doctor Azul, "we are still determining the exact location of your artirial thromboembolism infartion." He made up the medical term, but it seemed to sound correct under the circumstances.
"In that case," interrupted the patient, "I have changed my mind. I hereby revoke my medical consent."
As the surgical crew cleaned up the OR, Doctor Azul thought to himself, "I have done it once again. My lies are ingenious. It would be a shame to stop now."
"Doctor Azul?"
He looked up and saw the leggy redhead.
"Yes...I am."
"Could we talk up in your office in private. I would like to show you a problem I am having with my ... "

(by on 03.06.01)
... breasts."

Dr. Azul, now as you all know, is a homosexual, and quite frankly has not got
even the slightest inclination to start playing around with this gorgeous girls special parts.

To get out of this situation it seems like
the truth would work. but remember this is Azul, so instead he says "sorry leggy i
cant because ... "

(by on 03.27.01)
...I have a sexually transmitted disease

Knowing that he was lying and upset with himself for not exposing the truth doctor Azul closed his eyes.

Wait leggy redhead, I'm sorry but it's about time that everyone know the truth. I don't have an STD. I'm not gay. I want to be a woman and I am due to be prepped for my surgery tomorrow. I have a collection of dolls and I want to show them to you. Will you accompany me to my humble abode. So leggy took his arm and they were on their way. When Suddenly he was approached by the patient who was obviously upset because doctor Azul forgot to close his chest. He was trailed by a messy red jello goo that had fallen from his chest. His heart pounding Dr. Azul decided to get the hell out of there. Knocking leggy to the floor he ran out of the corridor and in to the cafeteria. That's when he saw his lemo driver sucking down a fresh bowl of red jello. Trying not to loose it, he calmly asked him to take him to 29th street. Knowing that his scheme was quickly falling apart he decided to contact Dr. Blanco. Suddenly his cell phone rang and to his surprise......

(by on 06.30.01)
the leggy red head grabbed the phone out of Azul's hand.

She answered the phone with a tone of authority, "Hello, Eva Malloy speaking, how may I help you?"

The party on the other end of the line did not seem surprised by this. "Hello, Ms. Malloy, I would like to make you an offer that you can't afford to miss out on. If you choose to fly today, you and one guest can have an all expense paid trip to Bermuda. How does that sound, Ms. Malloy?" the voice asked cheerfully.

Eva yawned at Azul and handed him the phone, "Oh, it's for you."

As Azul tried to figure out who had his private number...

(by on 07.29.01)
...and put the phone to his ear, the line went dead. "Odd...", he said to no-one in particular.

"What's odd?", asked Eva.

"Oh, nothing much." Then the phone rung again. Azul answered.

"Doctor Azul...", the voice on the other end of the line was pregnant with barely realised menace.

"I may, or may not be Doctor Azul. Who are you?"

(by pool-138-89-112-10.mad.east.veri on 11.04.01)
"I am . . . a snoot," the voice answered.
"A what?"
"A snoot. That is all you need to know. And I know about your true past, Doctor 'Azul'."
"My true past? You mean, why I have dreams within dreams within dreams? Whether I'm gay or not? What the Pope and Eva have to do with everything?"
"Yes. And I am offering it to you."
Doctor Azul fell silent, and pondered the "snoot's" offer. It was true, his web of lies had been so thick, he could not tell what the truth, and therefore his past, was anymore. It intrigued him.
"Okay," he said, "give it to me."
"Not so fast," said the snoot. "First you need to give something to me..."

(by on 01.13.02)
"Go on..." said Dr. Azul, but really he was thinking "how can I double cross this snoot?"
"what.." said the snoot
"yes?" said Azul
"the stupid little snoot what know whats coming to him.." thought Azul
"you..." the snoot went on
"go on..."said Azul
"Maybe I could just kick him in the shin and run away giggling after he tells me" thought Azul
"need..." said snoot.
"Get on with it!" thought Azul
"hehehe, I'm SO gonna gyp this Snootish bore..." said Azul.
A gasp came from the other line. You guessed it, Azul thought what he was supposed to say and said what he was supposed to think. The line went dead....

(by on 03.23.02)
"Hhmmmmm," thought Azul, "The one time I speak the truth, and it gets me in trouble."

Azul put his cell phone back in it's case.

"Who was that?" quearied Eva.

"Oh, no one important. Just....ah...just the Pope...that's all." Azul lied. "yea, just the Pope, no one important."

He looked at Eva. He couldn't tell if she was impressed or not.

Eva didn't respond. Azul followed her gaze. He suddenly saw what she was seeing and adroitly managed to stifled the scream attempting to free itself from his esophogas.

(by on 11.21.02)
Eva's left leg had gone missing. Actually, it wasn't totally missing. The smoking crater in the ground and the burned bits of scattered flesh suggested that silly Eva had apparently stepped on a land mine.

"Eva!" screamed Azul. "Are you alright?"

"I've been better." Eva pulled up her short skirt partway to reveal her cauterized thigh stump. "I guess I'll skip my morning jog tomorrow."

"Is there anything I can do?"

(by on 02.17.03)
"Why, yes there is." Eva took a small piece of lint from her belly button. "Have you ever gone to make a pork sausage and find out that it has hair all over it?"

"Goodness gracious, no." Azul was truly sickened. "Why do you ask that?"

Eva smiled. "It's something I ask of all my prey."

"Prey?!" Azul couldn't tell if Eva was making fun of him. She had a long past of this. When the two were youths, she tricked Azul into swallowing a bug.

"Why, yes, Azul." Eva smiled, and held back a cackle. "Now that I have lost my leg, I can now add the Leg and Pinky Finger of Vecna!" Azul saw Eva's lack of a left pinky finger for the first time. "I shall be queen of the world, and you shall be my dinner, and your hair shall be my dental floss!"

(by on 09.01.03)
"EW!" said Dr. Azul. "That doesn't sound hygenic." Eva raises herself up, gross tentacles growing from the stump of her leg, one of them grabbing Azul by the throat and choking him...

Azul grabs the tentacles, pulling at them, flailing madly, but the red and blue spots that are flying around inside his eyes from the lack of oxygen get the better of him....he passes out. He wakes up with a mouth that tastes like he's licked a thousand camels. Everything fuzzy. The fuzzy shapes begin to arrange themselves.


White. Coats.


He wakes up on the operating table, with a scapel above his chest. He lets out a gut-wrenching scream and leaps off the table.

He looks at the doctor. The doctor is...

(by on 02.17.04)
Doctor Azul stared at the scalpel, the blade glinting wickedly in the flourescent lights of the OR. Time freezes and the scene darkens; that is, all but Azul and...Azul.
Azul realizes that this must be some sort of lucid dream. Putting into practice his years of highschool American Literature, Azul struggles to interpet this dream and its symbols...

After navigating the mazed canals his furrowed brows created in the topology of his head, cold sweat trickled down Azul's nose.
'The heart...the red haired leggy means...'

(by on 07.05.04)
"I am still having a dream within a dream within a dream.... And I can't wake up." And this horrifying thought was followed by another equally revolting and enervating one... "How will I KNOW when I have stopped dreaming and am awake? Will I really be awake, or will I just be dreaming that I am awake? But the redhead bombshell that has been present in each of the divergent paths his dream seemed to be transversing was back again.

"Dr. Azul" she was saying... "Wake up. Your fifty minutes ended two minutes ago. I won't be here next week because I have... um... important things to do. So our next session will have to be delayed until two weeks from today.

(by on 03.20.07)
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