One Leaky Boat...


Chapter 1

(by on 02.01.00)

Here at we like to throw characters right into a problem situation from the start. So, Hannah, here is your problem:

You are sitting in a life raft--a small, uncomfortable yellow one--with a few other survivors of the sinking cruise ship. Your feet are really cold, because they're wet. No land is in sight, and there's nothing on the boat to eat except for emergency flares (they are somewhat humorously marked POISON).

"Thanks narrator," Hannah says, "I appreciate the thought."

"Hmmmm?" queries Nigel in annoying way. Nigel is with his grandson Mike and is very bitter. He implicitly blames everybody on the raft for the sinking ship. He and Mike both have life jackets.

"Nothing. I was talking to the ... nevermind," Hannah says, and then everyone is quiet for a while again.

"So, does anyone know what happened?" asks a woman named Danielle, who is trying to Make The Most Of It.

(by on 02.02.00)
"Well, it's like this, " says Nigel in the most sour tone he can muster, "If it hadn't been for you and your irritating yellow rubber duck singing so loudly in the bath, the Captain wouldn't have become so distracted and we wouldn't have ended up here in this irritating yellow life raft."
"It's all your fault. QED."
Mike looks at his grandfather, trying very hard to hide his slight scorn for the old codger's inanities and insane logic. Or lack thereof.
You - being Hannah, the rubber duck manufacturer (it isn't the most respectable of professions, but it pays well enough) - become quite offended at this. Rubber ducks are the future of the economy!, in your sweetest voice, you politely say to Nigel:
"Why don't you go and eat an emergency flare, you old coot?!"
Without batting an eyelid, the grumpy old man picks up a flare and opens his mouth! Suddenly, before anyone knows what's going on...

(by on 02.04.00)
The grumpy old man's teeth fall out. Well, I suppose I should say the grumpy old man's dentures fall out, but frankly this is my first time narrating a story this important.
"Umm, could we get back to us?" Hannah asked.
Oh, right. Back to Hannah.

The grumpy old man's _dentures_ fall out and in the shock, the old man drops the flare and reaches for his teeth/dentures whatever.

"Great. Now the flare's all wet. How are we going to signal for help?" Nigel complains.

"What are you complaining about? You're the one who dropped the stupid flare," responded a voice from the boat.

"Who said that?" Hannah pondered aloud.

"Hello, down here in the corner."

"Dear God! It's a talking rubber duck!!" Nigel shouts.

"Bite me, you old coot."

Without batting an eyelid, the grumpy old man picks up the dfuck and opens his mouth! Suddenly, before anyone knows what's going on...

(by on 02.08.00)
. . . the old man's razor-sharp dentures poke a hole in the boat, creating an enormous wheezing noise and a gradual lessening of the floating capacity of the life raft. Fortunately the raft was constructed in such a way that only one small section deflates and you lose only a couple of inches to the ocean, still the other passengers begin eyeing each other nervously, wondering who they will throw out first.
"I've got it." says Mike, "We'll eat whoever gets the short straw. That'll solve two birds with one fell swoop!"
Being well versed in the nature of conservation of mass you point out that such actions will only appease the bloodlust which he carries with him.
"Shut up, Hannah . . ." Mike replies, but his words are lost in the thirsty howls as the raft turns into a cannibalistic free-for-all. Within minutes you are alone except for the talking duck and a few beckoning fins calling from the waves.

(by on 02.09.00)
"Isn't it strange how easily everyone just went and ate everyone else," you say to the duck, which in fact talks!

"It was crazy! (Quack)," the duck replies, "I was quite impressed when Mike starting eating Nigel with his own dentures!"

After all the chaos had settled, you realize that no one had tried to eat you. What, weren't you attractive anymore! You went on this cruise looking for a man who would find you delectable, and now what:

Not one person found you mouth-watering enough to eat, some nearby sharks were fighting over what appeared to be Nigel's withered love handle, and your company was now a talking rubber duck.

At least one thing could explain itself.

"So," you say to the duck, "where did you come from?"

"Well, I'm sure there is an explanation that isn't unrealistic and silly, but let me put it this way (Quack). . ."

(by on 02.14.00)
.... (Quack) All the rubber ducks all over the world are deeply indebted to you. You believed in us when no one else did (Quack). When they were going to stop production you carried on and against all odds forged a profitable rubber duck operation of your own (Quack). So we all owe our life to you (Quack)."

You start to well up inside. All your hard work was appreciated. You cant help yourelf but to cry and you hug the rubber duck for all your worth. You cant think of anything more perfect.

The duck continues with emotion.
"When we saw the predicament you were in (Quack) we had to try to help you. You have put rubber ducks back in everyones baths, made us popular again. We dont need you anymore but still rubber ducks everywhere will never forget the love and devotion you showed us in our hour of need and we have decided to do anything to get you out of this and back on dry land (Quack)"

(by on 02.24.00)
Well, as much as you appreciate the duck's undying devotion to you, you don't really see how it's going to help you in your "hour of need". After all, the life raft itself looks rather like a larger, flatter version of the rubber duck, and it hasn't helped very much so far. You don't see the damned life raft sprouting an engine and pointing you towards the shore.

The duck senses your skepticism.

(Quack) "Please don't doubt my ability to help! Luckily, all we ducks carry on us new "nokia" cell phones!"

Before you know it, the duck has whipped out a tiny, yellow-customized "nokia" phone, and is quacking madly with what you can only assume is another duck.

"(Quack)", the duck says, "These roaming charges are going to KILL me!"

(by on 02.28.00)
The duck then sets the Nokia down, "That was the meteorologist (Quack)."

You give him a spartan look.

"It's like this. We ducks, whether latex or (Quack) flesh, feel that reality is based solely on what the meteorologist says. If he says it rains, we have (Quack) a drought. Simple as that (Quack) (Quack)."

You face hasn't changed.

"I see you're a bright one (Quack)." The duck conclude, "He said we would have a calm day (Quack), dry (Quack), slow (Quack), just great. One word: Tsunami."

And just as quickly as he could quack he was gone. The waves quickly rose, dark clouds approached, it was raining cats and dogs. Your raft jumped from crest to crest. Suddenly a large jump through you to the other side, unfortunately you were knocked out by Nile's dentures.

You awoke on an island surrounded by creatures. Suddenly panic struck, these were Ozarkian Rabid Attack Lemurs.

"Hello, I am Mr. Groove," the lemur said, "We feel that you...

(by on 03.05.00)
... may be confused with your current predicament. You see, the Rubber Ducks are our prime enemies in life, and frankly, we'd like them all dead. Ducks are evil little creatures, always swimming about... obviously they're thinking something evil or such."

Mr. Groove cleared his throat and continued, "So, here's the deal. You hand over the Rubber duck and we'll send you on your way, with a lifetime supply of Gorditas to boot! Here, take this one, it's been in my pocket and has gotten a bit gooey, but it's still good."

"So, uh, would you please hand over the rubber duck, for your own safety and that of the world?"

(by on 03.21.00)
"Uh... no," you replied.

"You realize we are attack lemurs?" queried Mr Groove.

"I had gathered that from your 'Ozarkian Rabid Attack Lemurs' shirts."

Mr Groove cleared his throat again. "Right then. Everyone! Troops! Lemurs all! Charge!!!!!!"

And, with that rallying cry, the lemurs all produced pocket calculators and began to work out the going rate for bringing unquarantined rubber ducks onto the island.

After some furious key-tapping, they whispered and muttered amongst themselves for a few seconds. Then Mr Groove turned around to you, and announced, "The price which you must pay is...

(by on 04.20.00)
...$35. We've been considering a trip to Taco Hell, but hadn't had money for those wild gorditas."

You decide to fork over $35 to the discoing leader Mr. Groove (btw: Mr. Groove is a character by Rainer F. Schmidt, good reason to vote for this one ;-). As they dance away you can't help but remember the movie "Sunday Morning Hangover". That's it! Mr. Groove was that lemur! You must now get his autograph.

You start after him, but you feel a slight tug on Nigel's dentures (which are still imbedded in your head).


"You dope, you forgot about me," a small yellow duck quacks. "I forgot to tell you, my name is Jimmy. You must take me to Taco Hell. It is your..."

(by on 04.24.00)
destiny to make me king rubber ducky. So go find a thermonuclear duck bomb labeled 'ducker - 35'."

One of the high up Lemurs over heard what the wanna be Duck King was saying and reported to the Lemur King, Mr. Groove. At that time LK, had made arangments to start up a Lemur Congress. When the high up lemur told the LK what the duck was going to do he got extreamly angry. So he ordered the lemur army to hunt down and destroy all rubber duckies.

When the Lemur Army made it to the duck village they saw that the DK, had not yet taken the thrown. Then the Lemurs looked up and saw the Rubber Ducky Army was aproaching. Carrying a thermonuclear duck bomb labeled "ducker - 35".

(by on 04.28.00)
"Everyone, STOP!", an approaching figure shouted to the enemies.

"It's Rainer F. Schmidt!", the genius called You proclaims.

"Yes, it is I. Creator of Sunday Morning Hangover. You musn't fight. You are all characters of my stories, you were meant to entertain, this is wrong."

The lemurs and ducks ponder this man's words, unfortunately as they do so, a little duck by the name of Martin accidently knocks the legs from the "Ducker - 35" stand. It explodes and kills everyone except you, Mr. Groove, Jimmy, and Rainer.

You have two choices: accept the world's fate or...

(by on 05.11.00)
eat chocalate till you puke! Only you can decide...

(by on 05.13.00)
Well, that isn't doing much good. The four of you decide to fly over to Venus. YOU know if you could get to Venus (where the NASA engineers hide engineer-loving women ala Dilbert) YOU could save the world. So the four of YOU set out to find that secret shuttle NASA hid at Area 51.

The trip starts out fine, but of course YOU encounter some hurdles.

"Look Hannah (the amazing YOU)! It's a giant cheeseball!", the overly emotional Mr. Groove exclaims.

"No, no, no, try to keep on track Lemur", YOU try to reason.

"But I just love cheese... Holy Heffers! That's Gouda!"

(by on 05.18.00)
So then Mr. Groove was found with his best feelling friend and the founder was anonomous and the secret was out. Mr. Groove is......................... GAY!

(by on 05.21.00)
It wasn't a huge surprise to everyone, seeing as to how Mr. Groove had always had a certain discoesque aura about him...not to mention the snappy and impeccable wardrobe he owned.

(by on 07.21.00)
Suddenly, the world imploded on itself.
Not really, but hey, I couldn't be bothered reading the whole thing and figuring out what was actually going on.
The fact that Mr Groove had just come out of the closet was irrelevant, as they were in fact about to crash into the surface of Mars (having successfully found and hotwired the shuttle).
"Aargh!" you scream. On reflection it probably wasn't the most productive thing to say at the time.
"We're too heavy! We need to lose some ballast!" shouted Jimmy, in his best Scotty accent.
It was clear that one must sacrifice themselves for the sake of the others. ie jump out the airlock and face the void of space.
There's only one way to decide who must take their final leap into nothingness. They must all draw straws. Unless someone feels brave enough to nuke themselves for the good of the rest.
"I'll do it," declared Mr Groove, suddenly overwhelmed by selflessness.
Well, selflessness and stupidity are often confused.
"Bye," he said, as he leapt out into space. Out of the viewscreen, you saw Mr Groove floating for a few moments, before succumbing to the vacuum. He exploded. And he slattered over the windscreen.
It's a good thing that shuttles have windscreen wipers. But after a few passes, you noticed that that red blob wasn't Mars at all, but a bit of grit on the windscreen.
"Oops," said Jimmy. "He didn't need to kill himself after all. Mars is still a million miles away."
"Oh, well.." you sigh.
You, Hannah Broflowski, are trapped in an airtight shuttle half-way to Mars, with Jimmy, the only other surviving member of the Human race.
What do you do? What do you do...?

(by on 10.24.00)
... pray to God that Tom7 ends this story. It's horrible, it's dumb, please stop it. If not I might repeat the phrase "Ich habe mein kinn Gegessen" 100 times.

Rainer F. Schmidt

(by on 12.15.00)
You suddenly remember that, not only is Rainer F. Schmidt on board, but that Jimmy is a duck.
Having prevented an interspecies marriage which would have been messy for everyone involved, you decide to get back to the plot.
Unfortunately, you seem to have forgotten what the plot was.
So you begin an eight year long search for anything that could possibly resemble a plot, but all you find is a half-eaten script from an 1960's episode of Star Trek, which obviously contains no trace of plot whatsoever.
Jimmy, being on a plot-free diet, devours the rest of the script.
Suddenly, you remember that Rainer is with you, and appeal to his nicer side, hoping that he can come up with a plot of some description.
"I have just the thing.." he says...

You wake up in a strange place and in an awkard position. The sun is beating down on the back of your neck, and your face is stuck to something rubber below you. Groggily, you open your eyes and see the orange rubber through a pool of congealed drool.
You sit up and see that you are alone in a small rubber dinghy. The only sound you hear is the soft low lapping of still mid-atlantic water.
You remember vaguely something about having to escape from your cruise ship on the way to Puerto Rico to Florida, but it all seems too distant now, as if it happened a life-time ago. Lazily, you wonder how long exactly you've been adrift, but have absolutely no idea.
You also remember something about other people in the raft with you. Of course, that's impossible, you were the only one to get to the life-raft in time, but still you can't shake the impression of having spoken to someone. To people. There were other people, weren't there? You laugh as you remember that you thought you spoke to a population of rubber ducks, hotwired a shuttle and then spent years looking for a plot. Obviously something from a dream.
"What do you mean I'm not real?" asks a voice from behind you. You look round and see a small rubber duck. It's Jimmy! You rub your eyes in astonishment and, just as suddenly as he appeared, the duck vanishes.
You become acutely aware of the heat bearing down on you from the equatorial sun directly above. You can feel every bead of sweat on your body, almost taste your thirst as is it was something tangible.
Unfortunately, there's nothing on the raft but your own self. No water, no food, nothing. Hallucinating from the heat is one thing, dying of thirst while surrounded by water is another.
"Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink", the phrase repeats itself around your head. That single line of children's rhyme. You try to remember what the rest of went like, but you can't shake that one line from your head. "Water, water everywhere..." You lay back, resting your head against the inflated rim of the dinghy. "...not a drop to drink..." The sun glares through your closed eyelids. "..water, water.." you cover your eyes with part of your t-shirt, but still the sun hurts. "..drink.."
There is another sound. Faintly audible over the sound of the ocean, but there nonetheless. A sort of hissing sound in your right ear. You focus on that sound and realise you can feel it as well. You right ear is being sofly blown by cold air.
Realisation dawns. Immediately intensely alert, you sit up and look at a point just to the right of where you had been lying. You see nothing, so you put your ear down, and again hear the hiss and feel the refreshingly cold air on your cheek. You feel with your hands until they block the air and the noise.
Yes, there is a leak. A slow puncture which means that in less than an hour your craft, your only lifeline, will sink under your weight, when it's capacity to stay afloat becomes too little to support a person.
You collapse forward and cry softly to yourself, knowing that very soon, alone and unknown, there will be one less survivor of the good ship Diziet Sma.

(There! Happy now!)

(by on 01.31.01)
Your crying attracts the attention of a passing lobster, which turns to you and asks what is wrong. "Can't you see, you stupid lobster? My dinghy is going to fall to the bottom of the sea, and all you can do is float there and ask what's wrong? Don't you have any dolphin friends or any mermaids down there? God, what are you, stupid or something?" you cry out to the lobster, which has turned red with shame (not that it wasn't already red in the first place)

(by on 02.08.01)
The lobster is not only ashamed, but disappointed. For, as your dinghy sinks, all you can do is criticize his simple attempt at helping a fellow creature in need.

But, as he was a noble lobster, he decides to help you anyway, and darts underneath your dinghy and attempts to repair the leak.

However, being only equipped with pincers, he does more harm than good, and shortly you find yourself without a dinghy, in the middle of the sea, in the blazing heat of the sun, trying to remember the doggy paddle from your childhood.

As you are just about to give up and let yourself drown, an astonishing thing happens...

(by on 03.23.01)
in a moment of lucidity you realize that the overexposure to the sun and
salty sea air had you in a state of delirium. You crawl over to the side of the rubber raft and you see parched lips, half sunken eyes, you immediately throw up. You realize what you do moment to moment will decide your bleak
fate. You desperately need water, what would Tom Hanks do in this situation??

(by on 07.28.01)
Tom who? You are distracted by a pocket of tiny bubbles rising to the surface closely followed by a shadowy figure. Your strength to stay alert disappears and you lose consciousness, slipping under the choppy surface.

Your very next moment of clarity is spent mesmerised by a pair of perfect almond shaped brown eyes. This is when you realise you are enveloped in water, but its saltiness no longer stings your eyes and somehow you are still breathing.

The eyes embody kindness like you saw once in an old beggar woman, but now, focusing on the wider picture, you see a perfectly structured face and long ribbons of dark hair gently flowing with the current.

Above you is perhaps a half mile of sea, judging by the faint sight of sunlight refracting off the surface. Below, your eyes trace a path down the muscular but voluptuous figure that appears to hover in front of you.

Where the figure's torso ends, a long and quivering fish tail cuts small circles in the water.

(by pool-151-198-29-31.mad.east.veri on 10.08.01)
You realize that you are actually wearing a scuba mask, with goggles. Why you hadn't realized that before is a mystery. You also realize that the figure before you isn't a merperson at all, but a person with a shark attached to their lower body. He, too, is wearing a scuba mask.
"Hey," you exclaim, "you'regetting eaten by a shark!"
He replies, "Yes, I know. All of my people are getting eaten by sharks. It's a symbiotic relationship of some sort, although I can't explain it. You're getting eaten by one right now."
You look down and see that you are, indeed, getting eaten by a shark. You shrug this disturbing fact off, and follow the man, who has started to swim off, to find out more about this myterious person and about his people.

(by pool-151-197-12-17.phil.east.ver on 12.10.01)
You dive under the ocean surface and soon realize it is hard to swim while a shark is eating you. The man introduces himself as Nathanael. He starts to lead you to his underwater village: Atlantis. As you start to hopelessly sink toward to bottom of the ocean flailing your arms and kicking up a storm Nathanael says, “Silly girl, you have to do this to swim when you are being eaten by a shark.” You laugh to yourself because he reminds you of the polar bears swimming in that coke commercial and oh, did you love that commercial. Then you try to swim like him and you find it very easy but you find it not very easy to overcome your craving for a Ginger Ale (you never liked coke anyway). You ask Nathanael if there is Ginger Ale in his village and he says “Oh yea. We brew it here. Didn’t you know Ginger Ale comes from the land of Atlantis?” You ponder that, you always thought it came from New Jersey.

(by on 03.12.02)
So you swim ahead anxious for that ginger ale. You arive at Atlantis and surprised to see the place is deserted. Nathanael looks around, confused, and exclaims"Where did everyone go?"

(by on 04.29.02)
The shark (with his teeth still firmly anchored on Nathanael's belly button) rolls his eyes. (something not easily done by a shark). He exclaims, "You silly man! It's obvious that the sharks eating HALF of your population got hungry and finished off the other half! We sharks usually like to save half our meals for a non-food day, but we had an Easter celebration lately."

You, meanwhile, are still too busy trying to figure out why:
a) You are still alive under a mile of water
b) You are still alive when half your body is being held by a shark's jaws

and don't even realize that you have solved the ancient mystery of Atlantis, studied by historians the world over.

(by on 10.20.02)
You suddenly realise where you are.

"How long have you guys been living down here? Isn't it supposed to be a lost city?"

Nathanael answered, "it is a lost city. But we found it about a hundred years ago and we haven't moved out since. You guys just haven't found it yet because to find it you have to...

(by on 04.22.03)
"...use your imagination."

"What?" you ask after a moment of blank stares towards Nathanael. "I was hoping for somethng a ittle more..."



"It's not really science at all. You see, my elementary school went on a field trip once to Bikini Bottom. And while -"

"I thought SpongeBob SquarePants lived there."

"If you would let me finish my story," he says with a sigh, exasperated with you and the shark gnawing on his lower body.

"Sorry, sorry," you concede.

"_Anyway_ while we were there, we found that pencil. The one that SpongeBob drew that evil Sponge guy with. And from there on, it was just history."

He looked off reminescently into the outskirts of his city before glancing up at you and saying, "Well, time to kick some shark tail off."

"But I thought-"

"Put your hand in my pocket."

You slap him and he sighs, rubbing his face where there is now a red handprint, tiny bubbles floating towards surface from the movement of your hand.

"No, not like _that_. The only way to get rid of the sharks is to shake up and spray a bottle of Pepsi Blue. There's one in my pocket but if I twist to get it, the shark will start squirming. Think of it as a sneak attack."

You chew the bottom of your lip for a moment as you think about this and then hesitantly grab the 8-ounce bottle from his pocket.

"Now just shake it!" he instructs.

"But - "

"Hurry! We're floating closer and closer to the city!"

"It's not Pepsi Blue!"



(by on 10.03.03)
Ginger Ale!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Look for yourself. Ginger Ale."

"Damn! Now we'll be stuck with thease sharks forever!"

"Why does it have to be Pepsi Blue?" you ask.

"The tast distracts the sharks, they try to eat it. While they have their mouths open, we can swim out. The sharks cant find us again because they cant see through the blue dye."

"Would squid ink work?"

"I guess." sais Nathanael with a shrug

"Great! Lets go find...

(by on 05.14.04)
a big laser to heat this gingle ale up with. I hear that this stuff can level an entire city block when it's warm."

"First we need to..."

(by on 08.10.07)
shake the bottle so it is de-carbonated.

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