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Ask Dr. Snoot

Dr. Snoot is the universe's premiere problem solver. He's a Doctor of Philosophy, a Doctor of Pyschology, a Lord of the Dance, a Lawyer -- no -- Judge, Doctor of Love, a Spin Doctor, an Archaeologist, Sandwich Artist, and even one of those real doctors who can prescribe pills or cut you open to rearrange your insides, whatever those are called.

Best of all, Dr. Snoot loves to solve your stupid problems. He'll even do it for free! Just go ahead and tell him your problem, like you're writing into some pathetic newspaper column. But Dr. Snoot isn't just some hack columnist, he's the real deal! (Look at his monocle!)

To ask Dr. Snoot a question, or ask him for advice on your troubles, visit the submission form. To just read about other people's problems, look below or click on the months to read back-issues.

Problems solved by Dr. Snoot

9 / 2003

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9 / 2001

6 / 2001

Time travel during sleep
Doctor Snoot, in my sleep I experience grandangular visions of the macrocosmic wake that awaits us.

There are things I can't just describe, the future, the future year 2035 flows before my eyes in all its unexplicable terror and beauty.

I need my sleep, at work I can't hold my eyes opened, my ears drum with words from the future! The future, terrible, fascinating, colored future!!!

- Doctor FARINA

So called Doctor FARINA,

In order to understand your situation, first you need to know about the various factors which contribute to time travel.

1. Flux Capacitors. If you have any of these near your bed, you should get rid of them.

2. Relics. Relics have all kinds of nasty effects, particularly the sort known as "dark side" relics. In general, having around cursed artifacts can be trouble for sleepy-time.

3. Telephone Booths. Some telephone booths are equipped with illegal time-travel circuitry, which AGAINST VERIZON'S DIRECT WISHES enables the consumer to travel backwards and forwards in time.

So if you want to keep from slipping through time in your sleep, check to see if you have any of these contributing factors around (perhaps hidden by your enemies -- or -- ninjas?), and destroy them. But listen: psycho-unstable wacked-out visionaries are much more important to society than your average, healthy 9-5 employee. Personally, I say you've got a good thing going -- own it, man. Just don't send me any bombs.

 

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