Dr. Snoot is the universe's premiere problem solver. He's a Doctor
of Philosophy, a Doctor of Pyschology, a Lord of the Dance, a Lawyer
-- no -- Judge, Doctor of Love, a Spin Doctor, an
Archaeologist, Sandwich Artist, and even one of those real doctors who
can prescribe pills or cut you open to rearrange your insides,
whatever those are called.
Best of all, Dr. Snoot loves to solve your stupid problems.
He'll even do it for free! Just go ahead and tell him your problem,
like you're writing into some pathetic newspaper column. But Dr. Snoot
isn't just some hack columnist, he's the real deal! (Look at
To ask Dr. Snoot a question, or ask him for advice on your
troubles, visit the submission form. To
just read about other people's problems, look below or click on
the months to read back-issues.
|Problems solved by Dr. Snoot|
9 / 2003
4 / 2003
6 / 2002
2 / 2002
12 / 2001
10 / 2001
|Dear Dr Snoot.
It is said that nothing can adhere on TEFLON. But then, how does TEFLON glue to my cooking items ?
- Orme Skaya
|It is not glued to your cooking items. It is nailed there.|
|Dear Dr Snoot
I wonder : why it is always the BOTTOM of the tire that gets flat ???
- Orme Skaya
|The bottom of the tire only gets flat if you're in the northern hemisphere. In the southern hemisphere the TOP of the tire gets flat. Of course, there are no cars in the southern hemisphere so the point is moot.|
9 / 2001
Now is the time of that vital question "What should I have for dinner?" Since I am indecisive,
I decided to ask you.
- Hungry Hippo
|Since this is coming from a hungry hungry hippo, you're wondering whether you should eat red, yellow, blue or green marbles for dinner. Well, marbles are really tasty, and you should definitely eat as many as you can, but the red ones are the best. (They're high on my list of favorite foods, along with red-flavor Starburst and Jolly Rancher candies.)|
|Dear Doctor Snoot?
I don't have much time~ gotta get this down fast before the puter realizes what I'm doing and I forget what I was going to ask.
How can I tell if the puters reading my mind? ~or worse; deleting my thoughts before I know I'm thinking them!
Hope this gets to you!
on the Fly,
- Blue Crow
This is an excellent question. One way to tell if a computer is reading your mind is to read its mind. Here, I'll show you how.
Start by getting your hands on a big magnet, a really giant strong one. Rare Earth magnets seem to be particularly strong, presumably because they're rare. You'll also need a screwdriver. Make sure the tip is not magnetic, since that can damage your computer.
Yank all the wires out of the back of the computer, and then unscrew the screws and open it up. Make sure you're properly grounded; computers are very sensitive to static electricity! Now, hold the magnet up to its hard drive or C.P.U. or something else that's important, and go, "Zes!! Now zou vill tell us zee truze! Are zou reading my mvind!!"
I'm sure you can handle the rest.
|I have an optical mouse at my desk. What's the best way to use it to blind the person working across from me with it? Should I spread my experiment out over several weeks? Tie him down and do it in one burst?
- Annoyed at my iMac
|Ah, Mr. iMac, an age old dilemna. I remember the days well at the Snootopia Institute for Science. I was just a young intern trying to analyze the carcinogenic properties of watermelons (they're safe!). I would hold my indostropic laser slicing device fondly, but my mind was overflowing with malicious dreams. Dreams of blinding my lab partner. Over the course of a week the fantasies became more and more intense. Swish went the laser device. Pop went the eyeballs. SWISH went the laser device. POP went the eyeballs.|
But alas, in reality, I knew it could not be so. The laser device, while apt at cutting watermelons, was just not powerful enough to blind a snoot. Luckily I am a premiere problem solver. I took the laser device home for intense study. After many weeks in my domestic laboratory I had come up with a solution. The following day I returned to the Snootopia Institute, and I welcomed my lab partner.
"Hello," I said to my partner.
"Hello," he said in return: taunting me with his ability to see.
I then poked him in the eye with my indostropic laser slicing device. My calculations proved to be correct! The snoot was blinded. I then entered a long period of mourning in which I collected my Doctorate in Empathic Grief.
So, to answer your question, the best way to blind your coworker with an optical mouse is to poke him in the eye with it. You don't need to spread your experiment over several weeks, it is a 5 second procedure. Only tie him down if he's capable of beating you senseless, even without vision.
However, I strongly recommend against blinding your coworker. While it's true that you'll destroy his vision, you'll also tarnish your soul. And you seem to have a nice soul.
6 / 2001