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Ask Dr. Snoot

Dr. Snoot is the universe's premiere problem solver. He's a Doctor of Philosophy, a Doctor of Pyschology, a Lord of the Dance, a Lawyer -- no -- Judge, Doctor of Love, a Spin Doctor, an Archaeologist, Sandwich Artist, and even one of those real doctors who can prescribe pills or cut you open to rearrange your insides, whatever those are called.

Best of all, Dr. Snoot loves to solve your stupid problems. He'll even do it for free! Just go ahead and tell him your problem, like you're writing into some pathetic newspaper column. But Dr. Snoot isn't just some hack columnist, he's the real deal! (Look at his monocle!)

To ask Dr. Snoot a question, or ask him for advice on your troubles, visit the submission form. To just read about other people's problems, look below or click on the months to read back-issues.

Problems solved by Dr. Snoot

9 / 2003

4 / 2003

6 / 2002

Grade A meat
What do snoots taste like?

- J-Rod

Poison.
 

2 / 2002

Boys and Girls
How do youknow if a boy likes yo?

- Lover of boys

Lover,

Well, that's easy. All boys like yo. That's why they say it so much. "Yo brutha! Shiiiiiit." You know.

- Dr. Snoot

 

12 / 2001

Oranges.
Dr. Snoot -

I'm in a bit of a dilemma here. See, my friend insists that if oranges were green, they'd be called greens instead of oranges, but I say they'd still be called oranges.

Who's right?

- Orange You Glad I Didn't Ask About Bananas?

Dear Bananas,

Oranges are green.

- Dr. Snoot
 
I know another Snoot
How about a little family history. I'm trying to find out if you're related to another Snoot I know....

- Prober

OK Prober, I'll bite...

My history is long and intricate. I was born at Oxford, in 1938, the result of forbidden union between a medicine professor and his mistress in the mathematics department. My parents were named Dr. Preston Snoot XVI, MD and Dr. Harriet Snoot. They needed to keep me secret, so they hid me under their desks or in their luggage while they taught class -- thus, I completed my degrees from Oxford by the time I was 6.

After all this time hiding in confined spaces, adventure was in my blood. I spent the next dozen years sailing the seas with my explorer friends Captain Griswold Snoot and First Mate Antony Snoot. It was here that I made my fortune after discovering the ruins of Atlantis and their fantastic technology.

My middle years were spent hopping from city to city, experience to experience. I worked briefly for the Royal Conservatory, the Tourism Department of Egypt, Bell Labs, the Communist Party, and NASA. The sites that I graced are too numerous to list.

Eccentric in my old age, I have set up shop in a secret village in the jungle of Middle Tragea. Here I heal my friends, the local villagers, and occasionally give advice to passers-by through this web site.

So, Prober, as you can see I am a man of the world! It is quite possible that you would know of me (though unlikely that you actually know me).

- Dr. Preston Snoot XVII

 
"A problem with red heads"
How do redheads get their red hair.

- ghdvk,ghi

First of all, ghdvk'ghi, this is not a problem with redheads. It is a problem with you. Redheads are beautiful creatures, filled with the fiery passions of love and art. You are clearly a dull and clueless admirer that doesn't know that redheads get their red hair from Clairol Hydrience Color Treatment just like everyone else.

- Dr. Snoot

 

10 / 2001

9 / 2001

6 / 2001

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